Challenges

Continuing with using this blog as an outlet for therapy (not being in the midst of an adoption or other exciting life events doesn't leave much worry for many readers and therefore, worrying about offending them), I have to "talk" about the recent challenges we're facing.
We've been doing therapy (speech and occupational) with Cole since June. It's exhausting. I wear many hats as a wife, mom and homemaker but therapist is a new one and it's not one I'm good at. The First Steps intervention program here in Missouri brings the therapists to your home and then parent and therapist work together for an hour each week. It is a stressful time here. I dread it on the days we have it. I love the days we don't.
As a former teacher who saw kids slapped with labels left and right, my tendency is to be skeptical about the psychology out there and the rush to diagnose our kids. Being married to a biblical/nouthetic counselor, our "prescriptions" for many of those diagnoses are much different from what therapists and psychologists would say. We believe the Bible to be sufficient for all spiritual conditions.
So, session after session, with little improvement (speech is better but behavior/OT is not), we began to look into what is really wrong with our peanut. And now our very own child has a label. Sensory Processing Disorder. And I cringe as I write that. But I can't deny his "symptoms" are true. I live with them every. single. day. I often say, "We're still dealing with _____ after 1 1/2 years?"
And now, not only am I a therapist during our scheduled therapy sessions, I now have to be a therapist 24/7 to help Cole get through this. And it is overwhelming. Yesterday, I couldn't help but cry as the OT was telling me all I needed to be doing. I felt bad for making her uncomfortable but I just couldn't keep it together. I was thinking about all my other responsibilities and all that I'd potentially have to give up (a truly selfish moment even though many of those things are good things).
A huge issue in this for me is discipline. Mark and I have strict expectations for our kids and went through an excellent parenting course last year that teaches us to teach our children to be "other-centered" instead of the overwhelming self-centered attitude the world embraces. Now I have to be extra mindful in determing his behavior - is it sensory related or just plain ol' sin?
I will say that God has softened my heart for Cole in this, making me more willing to love, just as I had been praying for. So much of this is spiritual & not just neurological, because of his circumstances during his first year of life. My heart breaks again for him and all he has had to endure. But at the same time, I feel so inadequate, unable and unwilling to deal with all this. And I thought by now we'd be past all this.
(I do need to point out that in no way does this affect my attitude towards him as my child. This could just as easily be the story of Lucy or Nate. But truly, this is the story of me and how God continues to allow my circumstances to be what they are so that I will be changed. )
Parenting is never easy but there are typically good phases and bad phases. I feel stuck in a bad phase for 1.5 years, alone, isolated with no end in sight. I feel desperate to receive biblical counsel from someone with a similar situation, to help me balance the issue of sin vs. disorder.
Have I said too much? Probably, but I have to be real. I am still pro-adoption and pro-Cole :) but feeling vulnerable and confused through these challenges right now.

Love

Love is an action, not a feeling. This is a biblical truth, for sure, but not often displayed in our world or society. Because it's hard to love someone when you don't feel a certain way about them. Sometimes love comes easily simply because of the nature of the relationship. I remember first holding Lucy, Nate and Cole and feeling so in love with each of them. I remember the weeks right before and right after our wedding; it was so exciting and easy to love Mark.

But other times, most times, honestly, it is hard to love others the way we are called to love them. The battle with our fleshly selves is so strong, so powerful, that when we don't feel love towards another, our first instinct is to simply not love. Instead we snap, yell, shut down, drown in self-pity - the reactions are endless.

It is also a struggle to love someone when the love is not returned. That is a true test of loving in action and not in feeling. Of course, the prime example of this is God's own love for us. I still remember when the truth of Romans 5:8 (But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us) hit me hard. I had been a believer for several years but still thought God's love for me was measured through my circumstances. If He was blessing me, then I was in His favor and if things were rough, I was doing something wrong. The power in this verse set me free from wondering how God felt about me. He loved me when I did NOT love Him in return (...while we were yet sinners...) and that love is forever demonstrated in the truth of Christ dying on the cross for my sins. There's just no doubt to remain.

In looking to that example, I am challenged in my daily life to look at how I love others. Right now, to be honest, it is not easy to love my youngest child. He is a handful, to say the least. A strong personality, combined with being 2 years old, combined with some developmental struggles which always lead to huge frustrations all add up to a very unlovable situation. (I'm not trying to single out Cole - I have had this with my other kids for sure - it's just my circumstances right now involve #3).

Honestly, many times I have chosen to rely on my feelings and reject the opportunity to love him. I let emotions that do not normally control me get the best of me. I feel out of control with the situation and I give up. But if I look to Romans 5:8, I am reminded that God did not act on feeling but on true love. In a sinful, unforgiven state, a person is an enemy of the Lord, and yet He gave up His only Son so that reconciliation could be renewed. (Romans 5:10)

There is another person, an enemy now, whom I can't imagine loving if I saw him again. This person has deliberately hurt those I care about and again, emotions are controlling. I do not believe this person to be a believer and can not hold his actions accountable to such standards. Lost people will behave like lost people. But I am still called to love. And the only way to do this is with the power of the Holy Spirit. It is my job as a believer and follower of Christ, to surrender myself and allow Him to work through me. So there is no excuse not to love. No excuse not to pray. No excuse not to be willing to be used by the hand of God for His kingdom. Help me, God, to love.