Going Forward

Merry Christmas! It's our first Christmas to stay home alone and we certainly have mixed feelings about that. So, trying to make some traditions for ourselves, we baked Christmas cookies a few weekends ago.

Our first batch of dough was too crumbly

Time to decorate

Looking for crumbs

Looking forward to 2011, we have decided to get licensed to potentially adopt from Missouri foster care. We just turned in our first application and will hopefully be chosen by an agency and then start classes in February. Trying to have a more laidback attitude this time, understanding it may or may not work out and trusting that God has a plan!

Hope everyone has a safe and blessed holiday!

Worthy of Praise

The Lord is so good. Things are really turning around here and hope is visible and even reachable. I am so undeserving. He is faithful to encourage, to lift up and to bless.

Cole started Therapeutic Listening Therapy a week ago. The first day he used a spoon all by himself. After a week, he has been adding new words to his vocabulary, been all around more pleasant and compliant (the time out chair must be wondering where he has been!), eating more foods and getting along better with others. Praise be to God.




Our Orphan Care Ministry had our enormous fundraiser this past weekend. The Holiday Gift Market was basically a craft show full of donations from friends and church members and stuff we had made. It was a huge success. More than we could have imagined or prayed for. $4650 huge. I would ask y'all to consider shopping online for Christmas but we are pretty much cleaned out of items!

We were so encouraged to see the Lord's faithfulness to bring people to the show and to bring people to help us in our efforts as ministry can sometimes be a very discouraging thing. Four of us stayed up until 4 am the night before (getting way too old for that kind of thing), got up at 6:30am and then worked the event until 3pm the next day. But it was fun. Good, hard working, ministry fun.

And now we have doubled our account at the church and have almost $10,000 available to offer financial assistance for adoption to families in our church . I've really been praying for families to come forward. But we are trusting in God for that. We are also looking at other ways to use the money - to support orphans locally and overseas. The greatest disservice would be for that money to sit in the bank when there are needs right and left.

Finally, we were so humbled to have a friend of a friend come to us and offer an incredible partnership. Caroline Nelson is an amazing photographer and has started a business to help save for a future adoption for her family. In the meantime, she has committed to donating to our ministry a portion of her income each month. Wow. Please check out her website here.

Looking forward to the holidays, time with family and friends and reflecting on all God has done and continues to do for us.

Gaining Perspective

Thanks for all your encouraging comments and emails. I feel a little silly for being so dramatic and woe-is-me but as I said, I write to get it out of my system. After several days to let everything sink in, to do research and to have a break (Mark's parents came for the weekend), I am looking at things with a wider angle, gaining perspective.
The fact is there are simple things we can do to change our routine and help Cole and in the big picture of life, those things are not that big a deal. I think so much of my problem was my misguided expectations of what adoption would look like in my family and how I thought things would be as time went on. I don't know if there was training or awareness for sensory issues before we brought Cole home, but even if there were, I'm sure I would have tuned it out, assuming it wouldn't be an issue for us.
I confess I have been a hypocrite for many months, advocating adoption, working hard to change attitudes about orphan awareness, and not living it out in my own home, my own family, with my own adopted child.
I was listening to the song below yesterday (the same song we used in our initial Orphan Care video at church last spring) and felt as though the first verse was not some generic orphan out there looking for a family, but my own child, Cole, asking me if I was willing to love him the way he is, even if that wouldn't change in the future. Begging forgiveness from the Lord, I hope now He can use me more effectively for His kingdom work in this area. I apologize to anyone I have misled or deceived up to this point.

Challenges

Continuing with using this blog as an outlet for therapy (not being in the midst of an adoption or other exciting life events doesn't leave much worry for many readers and therefore, worrying about offending them), I have to "talk" about the recent challenges we're facing.
We've been doing therapy (speech and occupational) with Cole since June. It's exhausting. I wear many hats as a wife, mom and homemaker but therapist is a new one and it's not one I'm good at. The First Steps intervention program here in Missouri brings the therapists to your home and then parent and therapist work together for an hour each week. It is a stressful time here. I dread it on the days we have it. I love the days we don't.
As a former teacher who saw kids slapped with labels left and right, my tendency is to be skeptical about the psychology out there and the rush to diagnose our kids. Being married to a biblical/nouthetic counselor, our "prescriptions" for many of those diagnoses are much different from what therapists and psychologists would say. We believe the Bible to be sufficient for all spiritual conditions.
So, session after session, with little improvement (speech is better but behavior/OT is not), we began to look into what is really wrong with our peanut. And now our very own child has a label. Sensory Processing Disorder. And I cringe as I write that. But I can't deny his "symptoms" are true. I live with them every. single. day. I often say, "We're still dealing with _____ after 1 1/2 years?"
And now, not only am I a therapist during our scheduled therapy sessions, I now have to be a therapist 24/7 to help Cole get through this. And it is overwhelming. Yesterday, I couldn't help but cry as the OT was telling me all I needed to be doing. I felt bad for making her uncomfortable but I just couldn't keep it together. I was thinking about all my other responsibilities and all that I'd potentially have to give up (a truly selfish moment even though many of those things are good things).
A huge issue in this for me is discipline. Mark and I have strict expectations for our kids and went through an excellent parenting course last year that teaches us to teach our children to be "other-centered" instead of the overwhelming self-centered attitude the world embraces. Now I have to be extra mindful in determing his behavior - is it sensory related or just plain ol' sin?
I will say that God has softened my heart for Cole in this, making me more willing to love, just as I had been praying for. So much of this is spiritual & not just neurological, because of his circumstances during his first year of life. My heart breaks again for him and all he has had to endure. But at the same time, I feel so inadequate, unable and unwilling to deal with all this. And I thought by now we'd be past all this.
(I do need to point out that in no way does this affect my attitude towards him as my child. This could just as easily be the story of Lucy or Nate. But truly, this is the story of me and how God continues to allow my circumstances to be what they are so that I will be changed. )
Parenting is never easy but there are typically good phases and bad phases. I feel stuck in a bad phase for 1.5 years, alone, isolated with no end in sight. I feel desperate to receive biblical counsel from someone with a similar situation, to help me balance the issue of sin vs. disorder.
Have I said too much? Probably, but I have to be real. I am still pro-adoption and pro-Cole :) but feeling vulnerable and confused through these challenges right now.

Love

Love is an action, not a feeling. This is a biblical truth, for sure, but not often displayed in our world or society. Because it's hard to love someone when you don't feel a certain way about them. Sometimes love comes easily simply because of the nature of the relationship. I remember first holding Lucy, Nate and Cole and feeling so in love with each of them. I remember the weeks right before and right after our wedding; it was so exciting and easy to love Mark.

But other times, most times, honestly, it is hard to love others the way we are called to love them. The battle with our fleshly selves is so strong, so powerful, that when we don't feel love towards another, our first instinct is to simply not love. Instead we snap, yell, shut down, drown in self-pity - the reactions are endless.

It is also a struggle to love someone when the love is not returned. That is a true test of loving in action and not in feeling. Of course, the prime example of this is God's own love for us. I still remember when the truth of Romans 5:8 (But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us) hit me hard. I had been a believer for several years but still thought God's love for me was measured through my circumstances. If He was blessing me, then I was in His favor and if things were rough, I was doing something wrong. The power in this verse set me free from wondering how God felt about me. He loved me when I did NOT love Him in return (...while we were yet sinners...) and that love is forever demonstrated in the truth of Christ dying on the cross for my sins. There's just no doubt to remain.

In looking to that example, I am challenged in my daily life to look at how I love others. Right now, to be honest, it is not easy to love my youngest child. He is a handful, to say the least. A strong personality, combined with being 2 years old, combined with some developmental struggles which always lead to huge frustrations all add up to a very unlovable situation. (I'm not trying to single out Cole - I have had this with my other kids for sure - it's just my circumstances right now involve #3).

Honestly, many times I have chosen to rely on my feelings and reject the opportunity to love him. I let emotions that do not normally control me get the best of me. I feel out of control with the situation and I give up. But if I look to Romans 5:8, I am reminded that God did not act on feeling but on true love. In a sinful, unforgiven state, a person is an enemy of the Lord, and yet He gave up His only Son so that reconciliation could be renewed. (Romans 5:10)

There is another person, an enemy now, whom I can't imagine loving if I saw him again. This person has deliberately hurt those I care about and again, emotions are controlling. I do not believe this person to be a believer and can not hold his actions accountable to such standards. Lost people will behave like lost people. But I am still called to love. And the only way to do this is with the power of the Holy Spirit. It is my job as a believer and follower of Christ, to surrender myself and allow Him to work through me. So there is no excuse not to love. No excuse not to pray. No excuse not to be willing to be used by the hand of God for His kingdom. Help me, God, to love.

adopted

I've mentioned many times on here before how much I adore Russell Moore's book, Adopted for Life. Really, it is a must read for everyone!

One of the things that really struck me (although it seems obvious in hindsight) is the connection between earthly adoption of orphans and my own spiritual adoption into the kingdom of God. I may not be able to relate to an earthly orphan's adopted identity but I can connect the dots as a person adopted into the kingdom of righteousness. Just as many orphans today are taken out of desperate & dark situations, I was taken out of spiritual darkness and sin and adopted into light and salvation.

That's why it was a no brainer when we went to design our new fundraiser t-shirts for Sparrow Ministries. Any believer can wear this shirt and in doing so, show the world that he/she has been adopted by God! And what a conversation starter, too! We want to make even the word "adopted" more familiar and accepted. Our churches are filled with adopted people - maybe, like me, they just didn't realize it!

I hope you'll consider buying a shirt or passing the word on to someone who may be interested. They're just $15 and are made of quality cotton. Sizes run big and are available S-XL. All the profit goes to the Orphan Care ministry at our church which helps families pay for their adoptions and serves the needs of orphans locally and worldwide.

You can see more pictures and get ordering information at our website: Made for Orphans.

Or email us at madefororphans@gmail.com. Sparrow Ministries is also on Facebook! :)

Broken

A first for us last Sunday... Nate broke his arm! He was on the playground at Awana and fell off the top. Mark & I were at home and got the phone call no one wants to get! But we were so thankful he was in good hands while we rushed to get him!

After a looooooong night in the emergency room (actually 2 emergency rooms as we were told to leave and go to the pediatric ER at another hospital) and a few days of pain/discomfort, we are now in the new normal of having a one-handed child!

He has done really well with it all although gets a little frustrated and forgetful at his new limitations. Every time I have told him that he won't be able to play on the playground, he looks at me incredulously like, "What? Why not?". Today he told me, "Guess what, Mom? My arm is all better now." I said that was great and he said, "So we can take this cast off now!" Oh, poor baby, if only it worked that way. We are looking at 6-8 weeks in the cast and then a brace afterwards.

In the end of a not fun situation, there is so much to be thankful for.

1. The break, although bad and full, was not on the growth plates and will heal easily.

2. It's not his leg! As cumbersome as a broken arm is, I can't imagine dealing with a leg.

3. It will heal. At the ER, they put him under to set his arm back in place and it was so awful seeing him with oxygen in his nose and an IV in his arm. But you know what, it was temporary. We left the ER and will have a healed boy in no time. I couldn't help but think of the families in that building that wouldn't have it so easy.

4. It happened in a public place. In this day and age, it's nice there were witnesses to his accident. Sad to even have to consider that.

5. At the church where it happened, there happened to be a pediatric nurse in the lobby who helped wrap his arm. Also, the care of his teachers was above and beyond.

6. Wonderful support and care since. Nate has gotten care packages, cards with stickers and lots of lovin' from friends and family. (I think it has made Lucy wish she broke her arm!)

7. The time of year. Summer is over so he won't miss out on swimming and winter is yet to come so we won't have to worry about fitting a big, heavy coat on.

I could go on...in the end, it was just another life situation where we experienced God's faithfulness, care, provision and mercy. And besides a few alterations to his Halloween costume, life will go on as usual and we can certainly count our many blessings!

Out of the Nest

Nate with his first day of school prize
Nate had his first day of preschool today! It was a late decision to sign him up and thankfully, we got the very last spot! He will go 2 mornings a week and will have so much fun with other kids his own age. This helps us out at home for one of Cole's therapy sessions (Nate will be home on the day we have the other) .


He went for 45 minutes yesterday with me and then 45 minutes by himself today. Didn't even turn around to say "Bye!" Tomorrow he'll go for the full 2.5 hours and he is so excited! A little disappointed that he doesn't get to ride a bus or take lunch to school but those things will come in time.

His teacher asked him yesterday if he had any brothers or sisters at home to which he quickly replied, "No, but I have a Tole-y at home." (He calls Cole "Toley). And so I said to him, "Nate, Cole is your brother. And what about your sister?" And he looked at me very seriously and said, "Mom, Lucy is not at home. She is at school." Oh, the teachers are going to have fun with this child!

The entire 45 minutes this morning Cole kept asking, "Where's Nate?". He will learn to love the one on one time though - no 3rd child syndrome for a few hours each week!


In other news, we just discovered these great toys that help with fine motor skills. Cole's occupational therapist brought some to the house and we went to the store to get our own. They are as low as $4.99 for one and then of course they have elaborate play accessories, too. I'm thinking Christmas for Cole!!

Lucy's Fundraiser

Lucy is raising money for her elementary school this year by selling Entertainment books for $30. Half the proceeds go directly to her school! These are available for most major cities in the U.S. and feature hundreds of money saving coupons on dining, shopping, travel and of course...entertainment! If you'd like to buy one, please email me. This offer ends Friday, Sept. 10th!
To order directly online, go here and enter 484449 in the Seller Section.

Thanks!

Looking back

I can't believe I haven't posted in so long but honestly, the break felt good! I feel so blessed in looking back over our summer vacation (school started today) and realizing it was a GREAT summer for us. I feel like we really tried to make the most of our time together and enjoy the warm weather, too. (I'm already nervous/anxious that fall will be here soon because that means winter is around the corner - nooooo!). We had visits from great friends and family, took two trips to Texas and did all the fun summer stuff you're supposed to do!


Lucy started 1st grade today and I have really struggled with that. Kindergarten was half day so it wasn't a huge deal to have her gone 3 hours every morning. But sending her off today, eating lunch at home without her, and not having our time together while the boys nap is weird and strange and hopefully will get easier! We feel confident that sending her to public school right now is the right decision but it is still hard on this mama.

Natey is still the comic relief in the house. We are always laughing at the silly things he says and does. He is so eager to be older and "wear his backpack to school" but he will have to wait, thankfully. He got to attend VBS for the first time this year and loved it. He asks every time we go to church now if it is time for Bible School again. He will be doing AWANA this year so hopefully, that will sustain him for a while.

Cole really blossomed this summer. We are seeing huge improvements through both speech & occupational therapy. He talks all the time now and has such a cute sing-song/Disney-ish voice. His favorite words that he says right when he wakes up are "Eat!" and "Snack!". He loves fruit and is now okay with chicken nuggets (no other meat, though!). He loves to say "Hi" and "Bye" to anyone and everyone and is way more interactive with strangers. He rode in his own seat on the airplane for the first time (silly 2-year old rule) and did quite well!

Here are some pics from the rest of our summer:

Friends Holly and Allee, daughters of my college roomie, Jennifer!

At the zoo

Getting rained on at The Muny, St. Louis' outdoor theater. We saw The Sound of Music.

Nate going to VBS Egypt

Cousin Fun: Nate with Ford

Cousin Fun: Cole with Claire

Cousin Fun: Lucy with Gracyn

Cole checking out the baby ducks

Nate's version of the first day of school photo

Sweet Summer

I LOVE summer. The lack of a real schedule, having all of my kids home, watching Toy Story or Cars every single morning in our pj's, fireflies, long daylight hours, warm weather (even hot is okay - as long as it's not winter, I'm good!), swimming, sprinklers, road trips, etc. I am really trying to soak up our summer time this year. The past two summers were good but we had some illnesses and setbacks that kept us from waking up each day and wondering freely, "What do we get to do today?" Lucy and I came up with a fun summer checklist to help us keep track of what we want to do. Practicing handwriting should also be on the list. :) I found the idea on a craft blog!

As of today, we have 7 things crossed off already!

We started off the summer with an almost 2 week trip to Texas. The kids and I had a nice, long stay with my family and then Mark joined us and we drove down to see his parents. There's nothing like being around grandparents to renew your love and adoration of your kids. Flying solo with the 3 kids was an experience, for sure, but manageable as long as there are plenty of snacks. And, of course, we appreciate your continued prayers for Mark's dad, as he continues treatment for his cancer.

While we were there, we hit the one year mark of picking up Cole in India. It was neat to remember the journey and experiences that now seem so long ago. My mom made a cake and we had a fun little celebration for him.

We also got to meet up with Rachel and meet two of her adorable kids. Her daughter was the first child I got to meet at the orphanage last year and I will never forget her sweet smile that totally calmed my pounding heart!

On Father's Day, back at home, we got to meet two more Dillon families who each picked up their daughters this past year. That was such a neat experience to reunite the kids and see how they looked at each other curiously but totally obvlivious to their shared past. Cole kept calling each of the girls "baby" even though they were both bigger than him!


Lucy lost her first tooth last week and Cole has started speech therapy (he gets tested this week to see if occupational therapy is going to be added to his plan). Nate went to the movie theater for the first time to see Toy Story 3 and had a hard time understanding the concept of previews. After every one, he'd ask: "Where's Woody and Buzz?" Super cute movie, by the way.
I've been re-reading some of my favorite books by Bodie Thoene - the Zion Covenant series. I haven't read them in about 10 years and can not put them down. Great historical books! Mark is enjoying his mini-season tickets to the Cardinals this summer and he just loves living in a real baseball town. And of course, the Lakers big win made him a very happy man, too.
And the best part is, we still have 6 weeks left of summer! Hooray!

Two

Cole turned two yesterday! We had a fun but low key day around here ending in a trip to Chuck E Cheese followed by cake & ice cream and of course, presents. He was pretty clueless (although he picked up on the opening gifts thing a lot quicker than I thought) but big brother and sister were more than eager to help and reap the benefits!

He did have his 2 year old checkup but thankfully, no shots. He screamed during the nurse's evaluation and when she turned to walk out the room, he immediately got quiet and said, "buh-bye! buh-bye!" Such a stinker!! He weighs 21 pounds (not on the charts still) and measures almost 32 inches.

He has really started exploding with language although he was recently tested to be way delayed in this area as well as a few others. We will start First Steps (Missouri's early childhood intervention program) on Friday.

Lunch on the birthday plate

Oops!


Fun with Dad

He was not pleased as I pushed the cake away from him to take this picture.

He had just stuck his hands in the icing!

Yum!

Presents!

Hoping this color board will help with some fine motor skills

Maybe now he'll leave my broom alone!

2 year old boy

Three

Yesterday was Nate's third birthday and since he didn't quite get the concept of birthday, we worked hard to make it an extra special day! (There was one minor meltdown when the store did not make the Batman cake we ordered 3 weeks earlier but thankfully, the local grocery came to the rescue, in true superhero style.)

Not happy about waking up, not knowing what fun was ahead!

Birthday? Presents? Hmmm....

Okay, sounds like fun!

Excited to see decorations

He got to open one gift (from Lucy)

Went to Chuck E Cheese for lunch

Slip and Slide in the backyard

dinner, presents and cake with friends

It was a very special day for a very special boy! We love our Nater Gator!

The Point

Well, you have probably noticed by now the blog is back at public setting. So there's some weirdo overseas who is reading. Whatever. The point of this blog has been to bring awareness to adoption - the good, the bad and the ugly of it all. And the fact that we all* need to be participating in some way either by adopting or helping those who are.

I'm so excited to learn that an old college friend (recently reunited through the wonders of facebook) and her husband are on the path to adopt from India! They are in the application part 2 phase and I am going to live vicariously through them and the excitement of it all (until we're ready to start again ourselves...someday?) They have a blog and are trying to raise funds so feel free to check it out and help them out! Update: They are using Dillon, the same adoption agency as us!
Sears Family

Also, I had the joy to briefly attend a seminar/workshop/exhibit? locally regarding orphans in Missouri state foster care. For Sparrow Ministries (our orphan ministry at church), we are trying to learn more about domestic adoption to be able to meet the needs of all those who are willing to adopt. It was fascinating to be educated on the wonders of adopting out of foster care. There are thousands of kids whose birth parents have terminated their rights and are ready to be adopted today! The cost is minimal and the wait time is ridiculously short compared to the unpredictability of international adoption. Hope for Kids was an eye opening experience for sure.

While there, I met Ian. Ian is an adult adoptee from Kolkata, India! He works for a coalition designed to help families find the right local agency to adopt from the state. He started an orphanage for girls in Kolkata in 2006. He was so excited to hear about Cole and our experience involved with adopting him. It was a surreal experience.

So the blog will stay up and I'll continue to advocate adoption here (as well as keep the grandparents satisfied with pics of the kids) and hope and trust all will be well!


*Referring to believers - the Bible clearly shows God's heart for orphans

Dedicating Cole

(Kids wearing Indian attire from their Aunt Michelle, who traveled there a few months after us last year)

Sunday at church we had the privilege to bring Cole before the Body of Christ and dedicate him to the Lord. (A lot of people ask us why we don't baptize our babes but instead dedicate them. The baptism issue is another post in itself but thought I'd explain about dedication here!)

The Bible does not command us to dedicate our children, nor does it command us to make such a vow. But it does tell us that if we do make a vow, it is a very serious thing to God (Numbers 30:2).

( Our pastor with Cole)

We specifically looked at Deuteronomy 6 and Psalm 78 which commands parents to tell the future generations the praises of the Lord. Not in a pastoral/preaching sort of way, but in a lifestyle way. ("...when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deut 6:7-9)

I also really liked verses 2-7 of Psalm 78:

"2I will open my mouth in a parable;
I will utter dark sayings of old,
3Which we have heard and known,
And our fathers have told us.
4We will not conceal them from their children,
But tell to the generation to come the praises of the LORD,
And His strength and His wondrous works that He has done.
5For He established a testimony in Jacob
And appointed a law in Israel,
Which He commanded our fathers
That they should teach them to their children,
6That the generation to come might know, even the children yet to
be born, That they may arise and tell them to their children,
7That they should put their confidence in God
And not forget the works of God,
But keep His commandments..."

We do not, in any way, believe this dedication to have input on Cole's eternal destiny for we know that salvation comes after an individual's confession (Romans 10:13). We simply vow to teach him (as we have vowed for Lucy & Nate) the truths of God's Word and commit to pray for him to come to a saving knowledge of Him.

It was especially neat because there was another adopted child being dedicated, a four year old boy who just came home from Ethiopia in March.

It was a wonderful Mother's Day for me to have all my babies home with me!