Challenges

Continuing with using this blog as an outlet for therapy (not being in the midst of an adoption or other exciting life events doesn't leave much worry for many readers and therefore, worrying about offending them), I have to "talk" about the recent challenges we're facing.
We've been doing therapy (speech and occupational) with Cole since June. It's exhausting. I wear many hats as a wife, mom and homemaker but therapist is a new one and it's not one I'm good at. The First Steps intervention program here in Missouri brings the therapists to your home and then parent and therapist work together for an hour each week. It is a stressful time here. I dread it on the days we have it. I love the days we don't.
As a former teacher who saw kids slapped with labels left and right, my tendency is to be skeptical about the psychology out there and the rush to diagnose our kids. Being married to a biblical/nouthetic counselor, our "prescriptions" for many of those diagnoses are much different from what therapists and psychologists would say. We believe the Bible to be sufficient for all spiritual conditions.
So, session after session, with little improvement (speech is better but behavior/OT is not), we began to look into what is really wrong with our peanut. And now our very own child has a label. Sensory Processing Disorder. And I cringe as I write that. But I can't deny his "symptoms" are true. I live with them every. single. day. I often say, "We're still dealing with _____ after 1 1/2 years?"
And now, not only am I a therapist during our scheduled therapy sessions, I now have to be a therapist 24/7 to help Cole get through this. And it is overwhelming. Yesterday, I couldn't help but cry as the OT was telling me all I needed to be doing. I felt bad for making her uncomfortable but I just couldn't keep it together. I was thinking about all my other responsibilities and all that I'd potentially have to give up (a truly selfish moment even though many of those things are good things).
A huge issue in this for me is discipline. Mark and I have strict expectations for our kids and went through an excellent parenting course last year that teaches us to teach our children to be "other-centered" instead of the overwhelming self-centered attitude the world embraces. Now I have to be extra mindful in determing his behavior - is it sensory related or just plain ol' sin?
I will say that God has softened my heart for Cole in this, making me more willing to love, just as I had been praying for. So much of this is spiritual & not just neurological, because of his circumstances during his first year of life. My heart breaks again for him and all he has had to endure. But at the same time, I feel so inadequate, unable and unwilling to deal with all this. And I thought by now we'd be past all this.
(I do need to point out that in no way does this affect my attitude towards him as my child. This could just as easily be the story of Lucy or Nate. But truly, this is the story of me and how God continues to allow my circumstances to be what they are so that I will be changed. )
Parenting is never easy but there are typically good phases and bad phases. I feel stuck in a bad phase for 1.5 years, alone, isolated with no end in sight. I feel desperate to receive biblical counsel from someone with a similar situation, to help me balance the issue of sin vs. disorder.
Have I said too much? Probably, but I have to be real. I am still pro-adoption and pro-Cole :) but feeling vulnerable and confused through these challenges right now.

Love

Love is an action, not a feeling. This is a biblical truth, for sure, but not often displayed in our world or society. Because it's hard to love someone when you don't feel a certain way about them. Sometimes love comes easily simply because of the nature of the relationship. I remember first holding Lucy, Nate and Cole and feeling so in love with each of them. I remember the weeks right before and right after our wedding; it was so exciting and easy to love Mark.

But other times, most times, honestly, it is hard to love others the way we are called to love them. The battle with our fleshly selves is so strong, so powerful, that when we don't feel love towards another, our first instinct is to simply not love. Instead we snap, yell, shut down, drown in self-pity - the reactions are endless.

It is also a struggle to love someone when the love is not returned. That is a true test of loving in action and not in feeling. Of course, the prime example of this is God's own love for us. I still remember when the truth of Romans 5:8 (But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us) hit me hard. I had been a believer for several years but still thought God's love for me was measured through my circumstances. If He was blessing me, then I was in His favor and if things were rough, I was doing something wrong. The power in this verse set me free from wondering how God felt about me. He loved me when I did NOT love Him in return (...while we were yet sinners...) and that love is forever demonstrated in the truth of Christ dying on the cross for my sins. There's just no doubt to remain.

In looking to that example, I am challenged in my daily life to look at how I love others. Right now, to be honest, it is not easy to love my youngest child. He is a handful, to say the least. A strong personality, combined with being 2 years old, combined with some developmental struggles which always lead to huge frustrations all add up to a very unlovable situation. (I'm not trying to single out Cole - I have had this with my other kids for sure - it's just my circumstances right now involve #3).

Honestly, many times I have chosen to rely on my feelings and reject the opportunity to love him. I let emotions that do not normally control me get the best of me. I feel out of control with the situation and I give up. But if I look to Romans 5:8, I am reminded that God did not act on feeling but on true love. In a sinful, unforgiven state, a person is an enemy of the Lord, and yet He gave up His only Son so that reconciliation could be renewed. (Romans 5:10)

There is another person, an enemy now, whom I can't imagine loving if I saw him again. This person has deliberately hurt those I care about and again, emotions are controlling. I do not believe this person to be a believer and can not hold his actions accountable to such standards. Lost people will behave like lost people. But I am still called to love. And the only way to do this is with the power of the Holy Spirit. It is my job as a believer and follower of Christ, to surrender myself and allow Him to work through me. So there is no excuse not to love. No excuse not to pray. No excuse not to be willing to be used by the hand of God for His kingdom. Help me, God, to love.

adopted

I've mentioned many times on here before how much I adore Russell Moore's book, Adopted for Life. Really, it is a must read for everyone!

One of the things that really struck me (although it seems obvious in hindsight) is the connection between earthly adoption of orphans and my own spiritual adoption into the kingdom of God. I may not be able to relate to an earthly orphan's adopted identity but I can connect the dots as a person adopted into the kingdom of righteousness. Just as many orphans today are taken out of desperate & dark situations, I was taken out of spiritual darkness and sin and adopted into light and salvation.

That's why it was a no brainer when we went to design our new fundraiser t-shirts for Sparrow Ministries. Any believer can wear this shirt and in doing so, show the world that he/she has been adopted by God! And what a conversation starter, too! We want to make even the word "adopted" more familiar and accepted. Our churches are filled with adopted people - maybe, like me, they just didn't realize it!

I hope you'll consider buying a shirt or passing the word on to someone who may be interested. They're just $15 and are made of quality cotton. Sizes run big and are available S-XL. All the profit goes to the Orphan Care ministry at our church which helps families pay for their adoptions and serves the needs of orphans locally and worldwide.

You can see more pictures and get ordering information at our website: Made for Orphans.

Or email us at madefororphans@gmail.com. Sparrow Ministries is also on Facebook! :)

Broken

A first for us last Sunday... Nate broke his arm! He was on the playground at Awana and fell off the top. Mark & I were at home and got the phone call no one wants to get! But we were so thankful he was in good hands while we rushed to get him!

After a looooooong night in the emergency room (actually 2 emergency rooms as we were told to leave and go to the pediatric ER at another hospital) and a few days of pain/discomfort, we are now in the new normal of having a one-handed child!

He has done really well with it all although gets a little frustrated and forgetful at his new limitations. Every time I have told him that he won't be able to play on the playground, he looks at me incredulously like, "What? Why not?". Today he told me, "Guess what, Mom? My arm is all better now." I said that was great and he said, "So we can take this cast off now!" Oh, poor baby, if only it worked that way. We are looking at 6-8 weeks in the cast and then a brace afterwards.

In the end of a not fun situation, there is so much to be thankful for.

1. The break, although bad and full, was not on the growth plates and will heal easily.

2. It's not his leg! As cumbersome as a broken arm is, I can't imagine dealing with a leg.

3. It will heal. At the ER, they put him under to set his arm back in place and it was so awful seeing him with oxygen in his nose and an IV in his arm. But you know what, it was temporary. We left the ER and will have a healed boy in no time. I couldn't help but think of the families in that building that wouldn't have it so easy.

4. It happened in a public place. In this day and age, it's nice there were witnesses to his accident. Sad to even have to consider that.

5. At the church where it happened, there happened to be a pediatric nurse in the lobby who helped wrap his arm. Also, the care of his teachers was above and beyond.

6. Wonderful support and care since. Nate has gotten care packages, cards with stickers and lots of lovin' from friends and family. (I think it has made Lucy wish she broke her arm!)

7. The time of year. Summer is over so he won't miss out on swimming and winter is yet to come so we won't have to worry about fitting a big, heavy coat on.

I could go on...in the end, it was just another life situation where we experienced God's faithfulness, care, provision and mercy. And besides a few alterations to his Halloween costume, life will go on as usual and we can certainly count our many blessings!

Out of the Nest

Nate with his first day of school prize
Nate had his first day of preschool today! It was a late decision to sign him up and thankfully, we got the very last spot! He will go 2 mornings a week and will have so much fun with other kids his own age. This helps us out at home for one of Cole's therapy sessions (Nate will be home on the day we have the other) .


He went for 45 minutes yesterday with me and then 45 minutes by himself today. Didn't even turn around to say "Bye!" Tomorrow he'll go for the full 2.5 hours and he is so excited! A little disappointed that he doesn't get to ride a bus or take lunch to school but those things will come in time.

His teacher asked him yesterday if he had any brothers or sisters at home to which he quickly replied, "No, but I have a Tole-y at home." (He calls Cole "Toley). And so I said to him, "Nate, Cole is your brother. And what about your sister?" And he looked at me very seriously and said, "Mom, Lucy is not at home. She is at school." Oh, the teachers are going to have fun with this child!

The entire 45 minutes this morning Cole kept asking, "Where's Nate?". He will learn to love the one on one time though - no 3rd child syndrome for a few hours each week!


In other news, we just discovered these great toys that help with fine motor skills. Cole's occupational therapist brought some to the house and we went to the store to get our own. They are as low as $4.99 for one and then of course they have elaborate play accessories, too. I'm thinking Christmas for Cole!!

Lucy's Fundraiser

Lucy is raising money for her elementary school this year by selling Entertainment books for $30. Half the proceeds go directly to her school! These are available for most major cities in the U.S. and feature hundreds of money saving coupons on dining, shopping, travel and of course...entertainment! If you'd like to buy one, please email me. This offer ends Friday, Sept. 10th!
To order directly online, go here and enter 484449 in the Seller Section.

Thanks!

Looking back

I can't believe I haven't posted in so long but honestly, the break felt good! I feel so blessed in looking back over our summer vacation (school started today) and realizing it was a GREAT summer for us. I feel like we really tried to make the most of our time together and enjoy the warm weather, too. (I'm already nervous/anxious that fall will be here soon because that means winter is around the corner - nooooo!). We had visits from great friends and family, took two trips to Texas and did all the fun summer stuff you're supposed to do!


Lucy started 1st grade today and I have really struggled with that. Kindergarten was half day so it wasn't a huge deal to have her gone 3 hours every morning. But sending her off today, eating lunch at home without her, and not having our time together while the boys nap is weird and strange and hopefully will get easier! We feel confident that sending her to public school right now is the right decision but it is still hard on this mama.

Natey is still the comic relief in the house. We are always laughing at the silly things he says and does. He is so eager to be older and "wear his backpack to school" but he will have to wait, thankfully. He got to attend VBS for the first time this year and loved it. He asks every time we go to church now if it is time for Bible School again. He will be doing AWANA this year so hopefully, that will sustain him for a while.

Cole really blossomed this summer. We are seeing huge improvements through both speech & occupational therapy. He talks all the time now and has such a cute sing-song/Disney-ish voice. His favorite words that he says right when he wakes up are "Eat!" and "Snack!". He loves fruit and is now okay with chicken nuggets (no other meat, though!). He loves to say "Hi" and "Bye" to anyone and everyone and is way more interactive with strangers. He rode in his own seat on the airplane for the first time (silly 2-year old rule) and did quite well!

Here are some pics from the rest of our summer:

Friends Holly and Allee, daughters of my college roomie, Jennifer!

At the zoo

Getting rained on at The Muny, St. Louis' outdoor theater. We saw The Sound of Music.

Nate going to VBS Egypt

Cousin Fun: Nate with Ford

Cousin Fun: Cole with Claire

Cousin Fun: Lucy with Gracyn

Cole checking out the baby ducks

Nate's version of the first day of school photo